I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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