I have demons in me.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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