I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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