Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
