I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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