A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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