He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
