i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Randomize
