I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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