and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
