I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
