My liver just broke up with me...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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