my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
