I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
