**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
