dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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