The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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