that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize