I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize