Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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