I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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