Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That accounts for only three of the penises
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
