Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize