Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
