so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
