What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
