i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
