Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
