I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
