I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Where is the hickey?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
