Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
