and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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