im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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