dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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