omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
