Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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