My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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