No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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