It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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