literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
