would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
