What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
BRING THE BAGELS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
