Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize