Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
