Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pants are for mortals
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
