Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
