does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
