There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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