About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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