You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
