If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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