:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize