Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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