You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
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