u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
