Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
