I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
