When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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